How to Be People Smart, by Tony Alessandra, Ph.D., CSP, CPAE

The alternative to the Golden Rule is the Platinum Rule: "Treat others the way they want to be treated." Ah hah! What a difference. The Platinum Rule accommodates the feelings of others. The focus of relationships shifts from "this is what I want, so I'll give everyone the same thing" to "let me first understand what they want and then I'll give it to them."

Building rapport with people based on the Platinum Rule is smart -- People Smart.

The goal of People Smarts is personal chemistry and productive relationships. You do not have to change your personality. You do not have to roll over and submit to others. You simply have to understand what drives people and recognize your options for dealing with them.

People Smarts divides behavioral preferences into four basic styles: The Director, The Socializer, The Relater, and The Thinker. Everyone possesses the qualities of each style to various degrees and everyone has a dominant style. For the sake of simplicity, this article will focus only on dominant styles.

Directors are driven by two governing needs: to control and to achieve. Directors are goaloriented gogetters who are most comfortable when they are in charge of people and situations. They want to accomplish many things -- now -- so they focus on nononsense approaches to bottomline results.

Directors seek expedience and are not afraid to bend the rules. They figure it is easier to beg forgiveness than to ask permission. Directors accept challenges, take authority, and plunge head first into solving problems. They are fastpaced, taskoriented, and work quickly and impressively by themselves, which means they become annoyed with delays.

Directors are driven and dominating, which can make them stubborn, impatient, and insensitive to others. Directors are so focused that they forget to take the time to smell the roses.

Socializers are friendly, enthusiastic "partyanimals" who like to be where the action is. They thrive on the admiration, acknowledgment, and compliments that come with being in the lime-light.

The Socializer's primary strengths are enthusiasm, charm, persuasiveness, and warmth. They are ideapeople and dreamers who excel at getting others excited about their vision. They are eternal optimists with an abundance of charisma. These qualities help them influence people and build alliances to accomplish their goals.

Socializers do have their weaknesses: impatience, an aversion to being alone, and a short attention span. Socializers are risktakers who base many of their decisions on intuition, which is not inherently bad. When given only a little data, however, Socializers often exaggerate or make sweeping generalizations. Socializers are not inclined to verify information; they are more likely to assume someone else will do it.

Thinkers are analytical, persistent, systematic people who enjoy problem solving. Thinkers are detailoriented, which makes them more concerned with content than style. Thinkers are taskoriented people who enjoy perfecting processes and working toward tangible results. Thinkers are always in control of their emotions and may become uncomfortable around people who are very outgoing, e.g., Socializers.

Thinkers have high expectations of themselves and others, which can make them overcritical. Their tendency toward perfectionism -- taken to an extreme -- can cause "paralysis by over-analysis." Thinkers are slow and deliberate decisionmakers. They do research, make comparisons, determine risks, calculate margins of error, and then take action. Thinkers become irritated by surprises and glitches, hence their cautious decisionmaking. Thinkers are also skeptical, so they like to see promises in writing.

Relaters are warm and nurturing individuals. They are the most people-oriented of the four styles. Relaters are excellent listeners, devoted friends, and loyal employees. Their relaxed disposition makes them approachable and warm. They develop strong networks of people who are willing to be mutually supportive and reliable. Relaters are excellent team players.

Relaters are risk aversive. In fact, Relaters may tolerate unpleasant environments rather than risk change. They like the status quo and become distressed when disruptions are severe. When Relaters are faced with change, they need to think it through, plan, and accept it into their world. Relaters -- more than the other behavioral types -- strive to maintain personal composure, stability, and balance.

In the office, Relaters are courteous, friendly, and willing to share responsibilities. They are good planners and good with follow through. Relaters go along with others even when they do not agree because they do not want to rock the boat.

Relaters are slow decision makers for several reasons: 1) their need for security; 2) their need to avoid risk; 3) their desire to include others in the decisionmaking process.

Directors are very time sensitive, so never waste their time. Be organized and get to the point. Give them bottom line information and options, with probabilities of success, if relevant. Give them written details to read at their leisure.

Directors are goal oriented, so appeal to their sense of accomplishment. Stroke their egos by supporting their ideas, and acknowledge their power and prestige. Let Directors call the shots. If you disagree, argue with facts, not feelings. In groups, allow them to have their say because they are not the type who will take a back seat to others.

With Directors, in general, be efficient and competent.

Socializers thrive on personal recognition, so pour it on sincerely. Support their ideas, goals, opinions, and dreams. Try not to argue with their pie-in-the-sky visions; get excited about them.

Socializers are social butterflies, so be ready to flutter around with them. A strong presence, stimulating and entertaining conversation, jokes, and liveliness will win them over. They are people oriented, so give them time to socialize Avoid rushing into tasks.

With Socializers, in general, be interested in them.

They are time disciplined, so be sensitive to their time. Support Thinkers in their organized, thoughtful approach to problem solving. Be systematic, logical, well prepared, and exact with them. Give them time to make decisions and work independently. Allow them to talk in detail. In work groups, do not expect Thinkers to be leaders or outspoken contributors, but do rely on them to conduct research, crunch numbers, and perform detailed footwork for the group. If appropriate, set guidelines and exact deadlines. Thinkers like to be complimented on their brainpower, so recognize their contributions accordingly.

With Thinkers, in general, be thorough, well prepared, detail-oriented, business like, and patient.

Relaters are relationship oriented, want warm and fuzzy relationships, so take things slow, earn their trust, support their feelings, and show sincere interest. Talk in terms of feelings, not facts, which is the opposite of the strategy for Thinkers. Relaters don't want to ruffle feathers. They want to be assured that everyone will approve of them and their decisions. Give them time to solicit coworkers' opinions. Never back a Relater into a corner. It is far more effective to apply warmth to get this chicken out of its egg than to crack the shell with a hammer.

With Relaters, in general, be non-threatening and sincere.

Think back to a business or personal situation in which you had a personality conflict with someone. That person was probably the opposite behavioral style as you. Can you remember what you lost by not having a relationship with that person? Now imagine what you would have gained if you had had some insight into that person's behavioral style and had adapted yourself to better conform to him or her. Would it have been worth the effort? You bet it would.

People Smarts and the Platinum Rules are powerful life skills that will serve you well in all your relationships: business, friends, family, spouse, and children. Improved relationships create infinite possibilities. Sometimes I think of John Lennon's song, "Imagine." One of the verses could be, "Imagine there's no conflict, it's easy if you try."

Copyright 1995 Tony Alessandra